Death

So today is April 28, 2010 ...and I wish I could say I am blogging on this account for a happier subject...but if I did I would be lying. Today I thought about a subject that I normally don't. death. I usually don't, because when I do I end up crying (Marianna is an overly sensitive teenager). Actually I use to spend every night in 6th grade thinking about death, what came next?, what would the world I would leave behind be like, I went insane from the forever unanswered questions. But today a Horrible thing happened which has effected more of my mood then one would expect. My best internet friend Ben's twin pasted away from cancer. I didn't really know her, in fact her and her brother live very far away from me. In North Dakota. But amazingly I have befriended her twin brother Benny, whom I love very much, he is a great friend to me, and even though he is unaware of it he has cheered me up on days when even my closet friend didn't even notice a change in my behavior, the thing about me when I am miserably depressed no one seems to notice because I don't like to be pitied when I'm sad I like to sit and listen to dark music I don't really tell people I'm sad I act like I normally would because a lot of the time (especially) at school I am already wearing a fake smile not saying whats truly in my mind. (yes Marianna is a strange person). Not the main point. Damn ADD. Like I was saying I didn't really know Izzy, the only thing I knew about her was what I had read about her in Ben's messages and blogs, and she seemed like a really kick-ass person and I am sad I never had a chance to talk to her. These past few days Ben had been very sad and he was telling me his problems and I tried to help and make him feel better. But the thing is this is hard for me to do because, no one is ever telling me things like everything is going to be Ok and cheer up..so when other people are sad it's awkward.. every since a kid in my class who I use to talk to on IM a lot got angry at me for trying to cheer him up I never really could cheer people up because on that day the problems I heard changed form which guy Kayla wanted to date to having real problems that I can't help...and on that day I cried the most I had in a while... Then I gave up on cheering people up. But when Ben told me about all his problems I felt bad because I can't tell him anything helpful or any real experience to help. Hell, I've never even dated anyone and I'm still bitter about missing my chance with the one guy I really really ever liked ... So yesterday when Ben was all sad about his sister and this other thing I didn't know what to say and in the end had some random conversation about something completely random, but still I was extremely worried for Izzy and Ben. In fact all day today Izzy condition was on my mind, I was worrying hoping she would be Ok but not knowing when I told people about her at lunch she had already passed away. I want to say she's in a better place or something cheesy like that but I don't know that, but I really wish that she is doing better than she was doing yesterday. I cried a little when I read the myspace statuses and I just hope now that Benn will be ok. Right now I'm doing something I do to honor the dead I burn one whole candle stick to honor them and as a sign of RIP, I'm not sure why, but in my head thats what I think I should do, (Marianna has a weird brain) and also something I do is wear all black then next day.. which believe it or not I am indeed wearing all black to school tomorrow. I never really have lost anyone in my family that I knew so death is not something I'm use too, Gosh when I even imagine my mom ,dad, or even my cat dying I cry. I hope life gets better soon.
I hope Ben is ok.
I hope Izzy is doing better.
I hope this doesn't anger anyone.
RIP Izzy Ackerman.
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